Mommy Wars
I work part time at an elementary school.
I am the "Parent Volunteer Coordinator" aka school events planner and coordinator.
I am responsible for many different things and I'm doing different things just about every day.
I really love it. It keeps me busy but I do love it.
The one downside is there are far too many things to do in the hours I'm allotted.
Anyway, today a parent came in to school and was talking with me and the conversation went a little something like this:
Parent (P): "So didn't you just have a baby?"
Samara (S): "Yes, he's 6 months old now, isn't that crazy how time flies?"
P: "WOW! 6 months old! What's his name?"
S: "Henry"
P: "That's a neat name. That's too bad that you have to work and don't get to be home with him."
(What I said to this comment still amazes me.)
S: "There are some people that are meant to stay home and there are some people who are meant to work. Neither is better or worse than the other, but to me, if I am stuck at home all day every day I will NOT be a good mom. I need to get out, do things, see people and then when I'm home than I can be a good mom."
My initial thoughts on this conversation frustrated me...WHY OH WHY Do women seem to believe that you HAVE to stay home? Or that you WANT to stay home? I know so many stay at home mom's that are resentful of their children and being "tied down" to homelife.
For me to be a good mom, I need to get out.
I love my son, I absolutely adore him...in fact sometimes I just hold him and stare at him and think of how great he is....I do miss him when I'm at work....but not in the teary eyed, I'm sad kind of way. I know that while I'm working my 15 hours a week, that he's well taken care of and that I can feel some sort of purpose besides taking care of a baby and keeping a house clean.
This whole situation brought me back to the Washington Post article about the working mother vs. the stay at home mother. AKA The Mommy Wars. And then their is the American Prospect article in which Linda Hirschmann says “Choice feminism claims that staying home with the kids is just one more feminist option. Funny that most men rarely make the same “choice.” Exactly what kind of choice is that?" And while I don't necessarily agree completely with either writer...I see some of both of their points.
Being a mom is hard.
Being a working (out of the home) mom is hard.
And both sides have plusses and minuses.
There have been article after article and essay after essay written on this touchy subject.
There have been times in my life where I wondered if being a "stay at home mom" was for me. But to be honest, then I kind of wonder...why did I go to college and work so hard? And also...I go a little stir crazy, there's only so long one can sit at home you know.
I don't think I could ever leave Henry ALL DAY EVERY DAY, but the way it works now (a couple hours three days a week) seems to work out pretty alright. In some ways I get a little of both...staying at home and working. How can one complain about that?
This idea of society's image of success is such an issue I struggle with, and have struggled with for some time. My parents raised me in such a way that they told me I could be anything I wanted. ANYTHING.
Yet, I knew I always wanted to be a mom.
I didn't know what that looked like.
I didn't know what the pressures and thoughts and feelings would be like.
So now here I sit a mom. Wanting to do more than just being a mom. And there are two sides to that coin, on one hand you want to be that great stay at home mom and on the other hand you want to work, do something, be something, prove your worth.
How does one strike a balance with that?
That, my friends, is what I'm figuring out.
When I was pregnant with Henry I didn't exactly know what my plan was after I had him.
Now that he's here I finally feel the confidence to know I CAN do something, I CAN be something if I WANT. And sometimes I think that's all we need. Just knowing I CAN DO IT. I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do and I can even change my mind.
And at the end of the day, I will feel no guilt or sorrow over whether I stay home or work because I know the choice is mine.
Not society telling me what I have to do to be a success.
Mommy wars no more, this battle is over.
11 comments:
Good insight.Don't get sucked into the limited ideas of the(world)society. Gods plan is always more fulfilling.Rom 12:2 Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
love you Dadio's
I could not agree with you more. I remember one of my friends was asked why she "would allow a stranger to raise her baby?"
My friend's response? "When I was home with my child I suffered from terrible depression. I have always needed to be absorbed in my work to stave off my depression. During my maternity leave, I was the stranger raising my child. Now that I am being treated for depression and am back at work, I am now his mother again."
I agree with you. The mommy wars are over. Our research also supports this as we found the levels of guilt in parents was essentially the same, regardless of employment status.
Did you know that Tracy Thompson, the author of the Post article you quoted now has a new book and a blog? She's a friend of mine, so I keep up with her doings. Maternally Challenged is her blog.
You are what is important. If Mommy isn't happy no one is happy. The greatest gifts you can give your children are to be yourself, not what others perceive you should be. Being a good mother has nothing to do with staying at home, working full time or any of the other worlds views. One size does not fit all. Mumsy
Well said! I think you do a wonderful job with balancing your busy schedule and you are a great Mom. You have (what I consider) the "best of both worlds"... you can work part-time and stay home with your children. Keep up the great postings... I can't wait to read your future publishing!
Samara, you go girl. I am proud of you for knowing what it is that you want and need to be doing. You are a great mom, and I know that you are loved by many people. Being a mom is a huge blessing, but knowing how to be a great mom takes courage and insight. Keep up the good work in loving Henry and your family and for knowing yourself and your needs.
Great post. I think all good moms do what they have to do to be good. And it's going to be different for each woman.
silly girl, all of my recipes are EASY! if they appear as anything but, i'll need to tweak them so they don't scare people off. seriously, you can make them with henry strapped to your back and be done before you know it. and furthermore - you're a diva in your own right! mother of three, working three days a week and loving it, married and running a crazy-busy household? you rock. keep on doing what you do.
you're a fantastic mom....never doubt that!
samara, you are a wonderful mom and a wonderful woman! it is important to take care of yourself, this will make you a better mom, wife and woman. plus i figure the extra big bucks you rake in from working helps you have some cash for trips to chicago! :)
love you!
abbie
Simplicity...fabulous posting. You are so gifted in so many things, and getting out of the house and doing the things you want to do is not only better for you and your family, but for the whole entire world! This crazy world could use a lot more Simplicity...of that I'm quite sure :) Keep doing the things you love, for that is truly the only way to live.
That woman has no manners. She knew that would hit a nerve -- so why even bring it up? That Mommy War stuff needs to stop -- and Moms start the fight all over again, everyday.
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