When I Grow Up
"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony." William Henry Channing
Do you ever wonder why we constantly pepper children with the question, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
I mean, I can probably give you 42 different answers that I gave as a child to that question.
From a teacher to a waitress to an artist to a singer to a mom to president...the list goes on and on. For every kid.
Like I said in a previous post, recently I had someone ask me what I do.
Maybe I look into things too much, but when someone asks me that, I kind of take it personally.
Meaning, I think, this person wants to know, what my contribution to society is? What am I doing that's worthwhile? Makes me feel fulfilled? Accomplished?
What is it that makes me a success?
I've alluded to, or come out and said it many times that success and me have issues. I have struggled with this idea of what success means. Pretty much since I graduated from high school.
When I was in school, success meant striving for that 4.0 gpa. That I could never quite attain. I've already told you I worked really, really hard in school. I did. I hated it. But I did it. Because it was my ticket. My ticket to big, great, wonderful things.
Once I was out of school, success meant having a career. at a well known company. making good money.
The day after I graduated from college, literally, I started my 'career' in corporate America. Things couldn't have been more ducky. I'd gotten engaged three weeks before graduation, spent 8 days in London and Greece with my new fiance. And now I'd gotten a job offer, with an excellent salary, benefits and the entire enchilada.
I worked there for four months before getting married and acquiring two children.
After almost a year in my position, I got a significant raise.
I was traveling to Texas, North Carolina and Illinois.
I was living the "life" I'd thought I'd be living.
Except I was pretty unfulfilled.
The job was just that. A job. There were days I enjoyed what I did, but the days I didn't far outnumbered them.
Meetings about things that I didn't really care about.
Phone calls on the way to work, and on the way home from work.
Eighteen months into it, I knew I had to get out.
'This' was not what I wanted to be doing. I went to school to work in public relations or advertising. Event planning was right up my alley too. But being a supply chain and logisitics analyst, wasn't 'it'.
I threw away my fat salary and benefits. I packed away my nice business suits and great shoes.
And decided I needed to find something that was for me.
This June will mark two years.
In case you're wondering I haven't yet found something.
I initially called that time my time of transition (thus the start of the blog) and then wrote about what it was I needed/wanted.
Yes, yes, yes I have a 'job' at T's school. And it's fun, and it's close and it's very part time and I like it. I do.
But it's also desperately dead-end.
In one month I now make what I used to make in one week working downtown. And after paying child-care costs for H, what I really take home is small beans. The money doesn't make much difference to me either way.
So why do I do it?
I want to do something. I've said that before. I've gone into the whole mommy war realm.
I need something. Something that I feel I am using my skills, talents and gifts. I mean, I think I'm a smart girl, shouldn't I be using those 'smarts'?
The one part of me sits here saying this is ok, you are raising children, working part time, and it's all ok.
Another part of me actually gets mad at myself "Why the heck did you work your tail off in school? To send home flyers reminding parents to cut out Box Tops? To buy granola bars for state testing? To write random thoughts on a blog?"
Sometimes I convince myself this is just a season. That soon enough I'll be back working and I should treasure this time, these moments.
Other times I wonder who in their right mind would hire a twenty five year old who has basically no-related experience since 2005?
And I go back and forth.
I want to work. Have a career. Be 'somebody.'
Then I don't. I think about how happy I am experiencing life with H and T and M.
Then I want a career. Because I feel like people 'look down upon me' when I don't have one.
And then I don't want one because I don't want to care what people think.
Am I making you feel crazy yet?
Try living inside of my brain. Seriously.
And I know there are others of you that are struggling with these same thoughts, though different in their own respect.
So here I sit. I've got my BA in one hand. And I've got my family in the other. Isn't it sad that's the way I perceive it? One way or the other?
What's the balance? How does one strike it?
And what-am-I-going-to-be-now-that-I'm-a-grown-up???????
And ten, twenty, fifty years from now, will I have regrets? or will I be content with the choices I've made to get where I'm at?
I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
And then I am brought back to two Junes ago, when I put it all on the line, and wrote for all the world to see...
Today this is what I know...I will not wake up tomorrow with the answers of what I am going to do and where I will go. Even the next day this is not likely.
For now...I will wake up every day knowing I have a husband who loves me and puts me first every day.
He supports my every decision and wants me to be happy in whatever I do.
I love that about him.
I will wake up knowing that two little children love me and desire my attention and affection every day. (make that three) Even on the worst of days where my patience is far in the negative numbers they love me for who I am. They do something so sweet that then I wonder why was I so annoyed again???
I will wake up knowing my mom and my dad love me and are proud of me for who I am because not only is that there job as being my mom and dad but because they remind me all the time. And they mean it.
But as to what my life is to be about...that will not come in just one day.
So I need to be...Each day I have to wake up and put one foot in front of the other and continue to seek God's wisdom, continue to seek His still small voice that is telling me who it is I am to be in Him. For now...I am a wife, a daughter, a stepmom, a friend, a sister (and now a mom)...For now I want to be, I want to wait patiently for the right doors and windows to open and close.
I'm be-ing....but I'm also still wondering. dreaming. waiting. notsopatiently.
I'm trying to be. I am. I promise.
But I'm also wondering and looking for that 'ideal' opportunity that is meant just for me. Where I won't have to sacrifice my family, or time with them to do something. To be something. But also looking for something where I feel I am using the gifts I've been given.
Or maybe I'm just waiting for that moment I awake and realize my Heavenly father is telling me, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
7 comments:
Your thought about success made me think of this quote:
Bessie Stanley:
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.
published 11/30/1905 in the Lincoln (Kansas) Sentinel - an adaptation of this is often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, though nothing like it has been found in his writings.
Your last statment is probably the truest: Or maybe I'm just waiting for that moment I awake and realize my Heavenly father is telling me, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
I do sense an unfullfilled need/longing in your post. As though something is missing yet that you hope to accomplish or is it that you feel unless you do something with all that you have invested in your education, you will have squandered it?
What gets people hired in the workplace isn't so much their experience, knowledge and skills (all of which are important), but their personality; their willingness to learn and get along with people. If I have learned anything about you in your blog, its that you have a great personality and that will take you places.
I also think it is healthy and normal to take stock of where you are every now and then - to step ourside of yourself and your roles - to see where you have been and where you are because that will give you a sense of the direction you are headed. Also helps you decide if you want/need to alter course.
It probably all boils down to priorities since our time here is finite and we can't do all the things we would like to in one lifetime. So what really matters to you is the question...and we have come back full circle.
Samara,
My pastor once said,"Don't tell your children they can be anything they want to be, tell them to be everything that God has called them to be." I found that to be very interesting. I know that even as an adult we see all these movie stars and wealthy people, and for some reason it creates in me and others insecurities that we can never measure up. I don't struggle with it as much as I used too. But sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think I can never measure up. But thank goodness that is not the standards that God hold me too!
I am not sure what you would want to do, but I will tell you that even just your blog, it has inspired me to think and strive to be a better person! So, you are making a huge difference, even if you don't always see the results!
Keep up the good work! I appreciate you more than you know!
My Samara - it hangs on my heart to read your post. I've read it through a few times and I want to "fix" everything for you-however, no can do! We never "grow up", we are always changing, our environment, our choices, all contribute to which way we grow, but it is a continual process.
Remember when we would plant seeds in sytrofoam cups, to anxiously await the mound in the dirt from which a tiny peek of new plant would emerge? The new young plant would have to be turned on a regular basis depending on the light it was receiving, otherwise it would grow off at an angle, sometimes they had to be pinched back so they didn't get to leggy, ending up being all stem, not enough root structure to hold the plant upright.
25yrs may seem like along time to be "growing", but put it into the perspective of 10 years ago, or 10 years from now.
Bring it back to the plant analogy, you are turning with the direction of the light, it is a continual process, pinching yourself back once in a while, to enable yourself to have a solid supportive root system, a straight stem that will support the foliage that has and will continue to be produced. Some of that foliage will survive and grow and some of it will be removed (by the tender or just naturally). The fruit/flower that the plant produces won't be if the plant isn't strong and healthy.
I wonder myself sometimes "when will I grow up?" I recall all the activism of the 60's (Oh oh, now I'm dated). Seperate gym classes and gym activities for boys and girls, home ec in a seperate area of the building from the shop classes. Mandatory dresses/skirts. We were not allowed to choose....those choices were made for us in school. I don't know about all the other girls that I was with when we threw our bras on the river one day (while skipping school), but I recall just wanting the choice, as Mr. Gutzman (the truant officer) showed up to haul us back to school - braless! We were a small group lamenting our inability to make choices for ourselves.
Now we can choose, pants or skirt, carpenter classes or cooking classes, tennis or football. Maybe we choose all or none, some or many. Choose some now and some later. Now we have so many choices that I think it puts us in this box of "need to do more/better". There isn't a mold anymore, it doesn't exist so we shouldn't try to conform. At 25 no one has to settle for where they are at in life, they can continue to grow, turn with the light, pinch themselves back once in a while, continue to grow and flower. Choose every day to live it, for when we stop growing the foliage ends.
What I've seen you produce to date is all wonderment for me. Life is an adventure, enjoy the trip, pull over for the wayside sights. A formal education isn't everything...education of life, investing in yourself and those around you is a continual process, no degree required.
Wish I could write better, sometimes my brain and heart collide and it turns into gumbo...you are blessed with such an ability to express yourself...continue to do so, it is good for growing.
amen, sister. amen.
I just can't help but wonder if this issue will always remain an issue for us... I don't mean to be a pessimist, but honestly, I think we'll always be longing for something more, something different, something more complete...simply because, we were not made for this life. As we have been designed to live and enjoy a place far better than this, I fear (but in a good way) that our hearts will continually yearn until we reach that place.
Lucky for us, we can cling to that hope and live for it in the day to day. We can rest in the fact that true fulfillment will one day be an overwhelming reality. But for now, for this blink of an eye...earth sometimes sucks (pardon my french). At least we aren't alone in struggling through it...
day by day remember prov 3:5&6
D
Samara,
when you are happy thats all that matters. When we become parents our priorities in life change....the best job to the best car and now its do I know my children or have I been at work all day and feel like the worst parent out there. This I how I feel I would do anything to be at home with my kids. Charish ever moment.I know you will do what is best in you heart.
Sarah
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